I am the modern conservative

I believe in getting government off of people's backs except when necessary to enforce my moral code.

I believe that the lowest tax rates in decades are far too high, and I am incensed at the lazy, good-for-nothing 47% of the population that pays no income tax.

I will drive whatever car I want without regard for emissions, because I believe in personal responsibility.

I believe in individual freedom from government control, and that people should be able to sue policemen for failing to arrest Hispanics without their immigration papers.

I believe that our trillion-dollar wars should be paid for without raising taxes or deficit spending.

I will refuse any order to put people into concentration camps, and will fight tooth and nail to keep Afghanis grabbed off the street by Mujahidin for cash in our Cuban detention center forever.

I believe that capitalism should be allowed a free hand to act as it pleases to the benefit of all, and that American jobs should stay in America.

I believe that government should keep its hands off Medicare.

I believe that our flawless constitution should be defended against those who would change it, and that it should be changed to ban abortion and gay marriage.

I believe that we should rein in deficit spending without raising taxes or cutting the military, social security, and medicare/medicaid spending which comprise more than 60% of the budget.

I believe that we should return government to the way that our Founding Fathers intended it to be, and am not the least bit bothered by the fact that blacks would be slaves and only white male landowners would be allowed to vote.

I believe that fascism, progressivism, nazism, evolution, socialism, humanism, communism, elitism, global warming, and liberalism are the same thing.

I believe in liberty, and torturing anyone who is suspected of terrorism.

I believe that we have got to fix Social Security before it goes bankrupt, but that environmental issues don't matter because Jesus is coming back soon anyway.

I believe that American policy should advance American interests, and that we should support Israel no matter the cost.

I believe that everyone should get an equal chance in life, and that we should repeal the estate tax.

I am the proud descendant of the immigrants who made this country great, and I think we should send them all back to Mexico. 

I believe that the only real Americans are people like me.

I am the modern conservative.  Gaze upon my works, ye elitists, and despair.